Please Hold

I felt excited by all that Manchester promised. I was re-locating to the city of musical greats. The very place that birthed The Smiths, The Stone Roses, Oasis, James and Joy Division, just to name a few. I was salivating at the thought of sinking my teeth into some tasty homegrown, local produce. Perhaps I would just so happen to stumble across the next globally renowned act and write a legendary review of one of their early gigs. I fantasised obsessively about who my first review in this new city might be, but never could I have anticipated that I would not be reviewing a live concert at all. And no, this wasn’t because of the pandemic. This was before the days of queuing for Sainsbury’s, when you could buy as much toilet paper, chickpeas and tinned tomatoes as your heart desired. Oh, what a dreamy and distant time.

After many minutes spent waiting on hold to various service providers trying to set up our billing arrangements for our rental, I felt qualified enough to write a review of… you guessed it… on hold music. What I discovered was that it was a fine line between a song that got you groovin' and geared up to receive the best customer service of your life versus something that was just a little too lively for your fading patience.

First off was Glide. Targeted specifically at lazy young people who couldn’t be bothered to divide up their bills themselves, Glide knew exactly how to please to their audience. Their hold music was a simple, jazzy little number and a real delight to be stuck listening to. It was the type of music you would hear in an elevator and wouldn’t instantly hate. You might even share some foot taps or head bobs with your fellow elevator commuters. It was easy breezy listening, while also remaining upbeat and holding the promise of some quality customer service. I was almost disappointed they didn’t let their phones ring out a smidge longer and allow me to enjoy just a few more blissful minutes of that snappy little tune.

Our score: 8/10 - a short and sweet intimate jazz lounge gig. Would offer to call up Glide on a friend’s behalf just to groove along again.

Calling Plusnet was like travelling back in time to the 2000’s. I was serenaded through the phone with some soothing, romantic R&B tunes. The first couple of tracks featured a soft, gooey female voice. To my surprise, the third track was the same voice but this time, accompanied by a man! Listening to a slow, mushy R&B love song really did make the time fly… It seemed I was going to be treated to a whole album and I considered whether I’d have time to squeeze in a nap as I listened. Contrary to my experience with Glide, I was ecstatic to be finally put through to an operator. Fun fact: I found an online forum from February 2019 with someone requesting the playlist Plusnet used for their hold music. There were several comments noting that Plusnet used to use The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me?”. It’s apparent they’ve really downgraded since.

Our score: 4/10 - could be listened to while eating a romantic home-cooked Italian meal for two for some added cheesiness. I would have preferred more artists. Maybe add in some Nelly. Or better yet, bring back “Don’t You Want Me?”

Octopus went for the exact opposite approach of Plusnet. I personally found their on hold music a little too uplifting. It was almost suspiciously energetic, like they knew they would take a while to answer your call. It featured a repetitive chord progression that seemed to just build and build, but go nowhere. It reminded me of the music a social media influencer would use as their theme song before they taught you how to make a smoothie or share their ten steps to success with you. It could easily be the soundtrack to a shitty travel video. It was the kind of music that made you want to turn your life around, but in the sense of creating unsustainable short-term goals that would only last a few weeks. It was all momentum, no endurance. You’d probably run really fast to it on the treadmill but the same song could also be played in an interrogation room to attain a murder confession.

Our score: 2/10 – like watching an up and coming indie band at Reading Festival that only had one relatively well known song, so they just played the chords of the chorus on repeat for their whole set.

So, there you have it. Not quite the review of Manchester’s finest up and coming acts that I envisioned, but still culturally relevant, nonetheless. Perhaps even more so in these times of isolation and social distancing. The music industry is still alive and well, sometimes we just need to get a little creative about how we consume it.

Teesh